Corona Diaries - 21

This is the second time I write this post, silly WIX site erased my draft, however as you will find out in the upcoming post, I will not get mad over silly little things anymore. Let me try to remember what I wrote exactly; I think I've already forgotten.

I wish I could write more often. I find writing very liberating. I also wish I could read more and paint more often too. I wish I had more time to spend with my family rather than spending so much time running around. This is the first time in 13 days that I've actually had a work-free day that I can sit down and have a moment to myself. It doesn't seem like corona will go anywhere anytime soon. Cases in Kuwait today are 88,243 exactly. They've started creeping up again since curfew was lifted a week ago. I wonder what will happen next. I'm glad I'm keeping these diaries and documenting these facts as they happen. I love that I may come back and read this sometime in the future and possibly laugh or maybe even cry.

Work has been quite busy lately; not just due to corona cases. We usually get a dip in the number of hospital admissions during the summer months however 2020 has been an exception to this rule; just like it has been in so many more ways than one. Our daily cases haven't dropped below 15 in the past few weeks and they all have multiple issues that require dealing with other specialties around Kuwait. Oncalls have been hectic too, regardless of which shift I'm covering and our daily admissions have been constantly above 20; we even had our "BIG 32 ADMISSIONS" a few oncalls ago. We still have many COVID cases presenting in peculiar ways. I have a couple of friends that have relatives with longstanding fevers; they've swabbed negative yet I still have a feeling it's COVID in disguise. COVID is still around us, it seems people have forgotten its existence or they might be choosing to ignore it. We are so far beyond "burnout" that I don't think a word exists for how exhausted we are. I just hope Allah gives us the strength to continue and get over what's coming. I hope neither I nor none of my colleagues lose our patience, sanity or health. Getting the daily news of an infected colleague has become common news that none of us are surprised anymore.

I've decided on a new life proposition, or way of life. I've decided to become calmer, quieter and an even nicer individual. I want peace in all aspects of life. I am aiming for a more peaceful existence. You might wonder how I came to this realization, I'll tell you. During a very busy round last week, a relative of a patient in our ward stopped me to say:

"دكتوره حبيبتي هدي اعصابج. دايما اشوفج تركضين و تحوسين. الله يعطيج الصحه و العافيه. حاولي تهدين. عشان صحتج. عشان نفسج."

I nodded and brushed off her comment because I was in the middle of arguing with a colleague over the phone about a delay in procedure for my first patient, writing a sick leave for a second patient and arranging transfer of a third down to radiology for a scan, amongst other things. I'd actually forgotten about her comment until today. I don't know what she meant by it, I wouldn't personally offer advise to someone I didn't know in their own workplace. One of my mottos is: "Live and let live." If you want to do something do it and if you don't then don't, life is too short to try to convince others to do things your way. Whatever her reason was for saying what she said, I will not judge her, it just got me thinking.

I spend a large portion of my time trying to get things done perfectly, at work and on a personal aspect. Life isn't perfect though and people are far from perfection. We spend so much time aiming for perfection and trying to make people do things that please us. Sometimes forgetting that everyone is different and we can't change people sometimes no matter how hard we try. I hate it when patient procedures are delayed for faults in the system and they end up having to stay or suffer for a longer time. I try to do the best for my patients and advocate for them as much as I can, however delays do happen and sometimes there's nothing that can be done. I will try not to get too emotional and deal with things calmly. I don't want any more white hairs on my head. I would never want to be associated with the following adjectives: mad, angry, inpatient or mean.

I've realized that I'm always the listener. I listen more than I speak. I try to always be there for my family and friends. I've become the shoulder to cry on, the person that can handle whatever is thrown my way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love being there for the people I love, it brings me a great joy. Yet sometimes I feel that if I ever complained about anything, no one would be there to help. That's a completely false point because good friends are supposed give as much as they take and me needing to talk about something doesn't make me less of a good friend. It's just a feeling that I can't shake off sometimes. I'm surrounded by love. Thankfully, I have a beautiful family that loves me and supports everything I do. I'm also surrounded by friends that have become more than family; I wish I could see them more often and spend more time with them. Some I see daily and others are halfway around the world but the love is there nonetheless.

I'm also blessed with a job that gives me satisfaction daily. Despite the craziness and how exhausting it may be; a single prayer from a recovering patent or their relatives makes it all worthwhile. I love the fact that I'm helping people daily. We don't do our job for anything in return, we do it because we can and not many people can. We do what we do because it gives us joy. I've been blessed to start teaching medical students over the past year and that has given me so much content. I love the gleam in their eyes the I show them something new or how ecstatic they get when they get the answer right. It reminds me of how young I once was and how far along I've come. If there was one word that I would describe my state these days it would be: "CONTENT". I thank Allah day and night for giving me a sense of inner peace and content in my life. I may not have everything in life, but I am blessed with the things that truly matter.

الحمدلله

الحمدلله على نعمة الصحه و العافيه

الحمدلله على اهلي و حبهم و صحتهم و عافيتهم

الحمدلله على نعمة حب الناس

الحمدلله على نعمة العلم

الحمدلله على راحة البال

الحمدلله

We should always aim for self actualization. We should always aim to be better people. I would like to be kinder, smarter, more at peace with myself, calmer in all my interactions with others as well as a better daughter, sister and friend.

Miracle

It took 3.8 billion years

of triumphant evolution,

remarkable collision,

an unbelieveable confluence

made by sheer will and influence

of this infinite universe

and all of the stars

to get you here.

I hope you never doubt again

that even when you are in pain,

that you are a miracle,

that every part of you is incredible.

- Nikita Gill