Corona Diaries - 17

I’m having dreams again. How weird is that? I’ve always been busy with work and so many other things that my sleep has become virtually non-existent. I survive on 4 hours of sleep a day usually and sometimes catch up to 6 hours if I have the weekend off. The physical aspect of falling asleep isn’t the problem, I usually fall asleep pretty quickly; it’s just that my mind is so busy that it takes a while to switch off. Does it really switch off? I doubt it. So anyways, I started dreaming again. I’m slipping into REM sleep and deep sleep and experiencing dreams again. It’s mostly random dreams that are a mixture of thoughts and previous memories, nothing significant or scary. It’s just something that I’ve noticed.

I plan on continuing these diaries until corona is completely over. Until we have no more positive cases. I had my follow-up X-ray today and it’s nearly back to normal. I left the house for the first time in 12 days. It’s windy and our garden has some flowers blooming. There was no sun or any clouds in the sky. It was just bleak and beige with no specific shapes, clouds or even streaks of white. I didn’t know whether it was dusty or humid but my hands and face felt sticky when I came back home. Then again, that could’ve been from the humidity of wearing the N95. I’ve noticed I become nauseated after wearing the N95 mask for a long time. My whole trip lasted less than an hour and I was back home, but that was enough to feel the nausea. I felt for my colleagues back at work who are wearing it for long hours, during rounds and assessing patients. I can only pray for them and hope this won’t last.

I go back to work on Sunday. That’s three days away. I’ve volunteered to join the COVID team because I feel like it’s the right thing to do. My experience might help me in becoming a better doctor to these patients. I need to start feeling useful again. I want to make a change and help wherever I can. I’ve spent so long resting and I can’t stay put any longer. It’s nice to chill and have time to yourself and I really needed that. Yet, how can I stay home when I’m capable of so much? How can I stay home when my colleagues are struggling? How can I stay home when some people are oncall daily and cannot eat futour at home? How can I stay home when my friends don’t even sit with children anymore and cannot even hug them? How can I stay home when my colleagues are fasting and fighting corona and putting themselves in danger every single day? I can’t stay home any longer; I need to get back as soon as possible.

I called my friend the other day and asked her a question.

“Are you okay?”

“Is anyone really okay these days? Can anyone really be okay? And if they’re okay then there must be something wrong with them.”

That’s so true. How can we be okay when our country isn’t okay? How can we be okay when the whole world isn’t okay? These are exceptional circumstances. This is the test of our time. You know how some people experience wars and natural disasters? That’s how they’re tested, that’s when the true nature of humans is revealed. Our test is the corona virus. That’s the test of our time. I may have experienced war, but I was only 5 then and can only remember snippets. That may have been the test for my parents and the generation older than me. My test is the corona virus. This test will reveal my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve already proven that I can beat it as a patient. I can’t wait to beat it as a doctor.

Being a doctor isn’t just a job; it becomes part of our identity. It doesn’t completely define who we are though and that’s something I would like to highlight. Being a doctor affects every single aspect of our lives. It affects our social life and how often we see our families. It affects how we deal with people and patients and how we act in certain situations; sometimes we act very quickly and sometimes things can wait. It affects how we deal with life and death issues. It makes us constantly worry about our patients and their welfare. You cannot switch off as soon as you leave the hospital, because if you do then you’re not a good physician. If that’s the way you do it, then you can call being a doctor your job. Fortunately, I’m not one of those people. I treat patients like family members because they deserve that.

Being a doctor isn’t my complete identity though. I don’t like it when doctors put “Doctor” before everything on social media. If it’s not a business account, then what’s the point? I’m not just a doctor. I’m a daughter and a sister and a friend. I’m a reader and an artist. I’m a runner and a cook. I’m so much more than just a doctor. We all are. We are a collection of many different labels and our combination is what makes us who we are. Our combination of labels is what makes us unique.

Ode to Duty

Jam non consilio bonus, sed more eo perductus, ut non tantum recte facere possim, sed nisi recte facere non possim"

"I am no longer good through deliberate intent, but by long habit have reached a point where I am not only able to do right, but am unable to do anything but what is right."

Stern Daughter of the Voice of God! O Duty! if that name thou love Who art a light to guide, a rod To check the erring, and reprove; Thou, who art victory and law When empty terrors overawe; From vain temptations dost set free; And calm'st the weary strife of frail humanity!

There are who ask not if thine eye Be on them; who, in love and truth, Where no misgiving is, rely Upon the genial sense of youth: Glad Hearts! without reproach or blot; Who do thy work, and know it not: Oh! if through confidence misplaced They fail, thy saving arms, dread Power! around them cast.

Serene will be our days and bright, And happy will our nature be, When love is an unerring light, And joy its own security. And they a blissful course may hold Even now, who, not unwisely bold, Live in the spirit of this creed; Yet seek thy firm support, according to their need.

I, loving freedom, and untried; No sport of every random gust, Yet being to myself a guide, Too blindly have reposed my trust: And oft, when in my heart was heard Thy timely mandate, I deferred The task, in smoother walks to stray; But thee I now would serve more strictly, if I may.

Through no disturbance of my soul, Or strong compunction in me wrought, I supplicate for thy control; But in the quietness of thought: Me this unchartered freedom tires; I feel the weight of chance-desires: My hopes no more must change their name, I long for a repose that ever is the same.

Yet not the less would I throughout Still act according to the voice Of my own wish; and feel past doubt That my submissiveness was choice: Not seeking in the school of pride For 'precepts over dignified,' Denial and restraint I prize No farther than they breed a second Will more wise.

Stern Lawgiver! yet thou dost wear The Godhead's most benignant grace; Nor know we anything so fair As is the smile upon thy face: Flowers laugh before thee on their beds And fragrance in thy footing treads; Thou dost preserve the stars from wrong; And the most ancient heavens, through Thee, are fresh and strong.

To humbler functions, awful Power! I call thee: I myself commend Unto thy guidance from this hour; Oh, let my weakness have an end! Give unto me, made lowly wise, The spirit of self-sacrifice; The confidence of reason give; And in the light of truth thy Bondman let me live!

- William Wordsworth