Corona Diaries - 10

Friday April 17th

Day 6 Jaber Hospital

It’s been a week since my original swab. My shortness of breath was gradually improving. I was taking my hydroxychloroquine daily. I was still getting daily ECGs to check on my QT interval. I would send the ECG to my cardiologist friend every morning. I started adapting to my routine. I would blog and read and watch shows. I would speak to people in between so I wouldn’t get too bored or start becoming emotional. I would pray as soon as prayers were announced on TV and that was a luxury I couldn’t afford, especially at work when we’re rounding or with sick patients. I had so much time; something I have never had since I started working. I’ve had a couple of vacations over the past years however I’ve never had time off just to think and chill and take time out to re-evaluate everything. I’ve always been so busy studying for an exam or preparing for something. My body was waiting for an illness so that I could finally slow down and take time off. Isn’t that sad? Since I started working in August 2010 in Aberdeen, I have never taken a sick leave. The bags under my eyes started disappearing; I was finally sleeping properly. I started dreaming again. I started waking up after 6, and if you know me well, you know that’s pretty late for me.

I’m wondering who to write about today, or whether this post might be a good chance to self reflect. A psychiatrist colleague from work just texted me as I had started writing this post; I shared my blog with him and after reading it he gave me a few comments. He wondered whether I could open up a bit more or go deeper within my feelings, it was a chance to explore them during my vacant time here in Jaber. He said that we could only grow with reflection. Throughout my life I was aiming for self-actualisation, I’d studied psychiatry during my A-levels and read extensively about Freud and Carl Jung and their theories. My aim as a teenager was to achieve self-actualisation. I knew there were many steps and would require a lot of hard work.

In order to do good for people, you have to be good to yourself. You have to be good within yourself. You have to feel good yourself. For a large part of my life, I would ignore my own feelings and try to help others. I was always the good listener, the good friend; the shoulder to cry on. I’ve felt at many times that I had no one to speak to. People were so used to complaining and telling me their negative feelings. I somehow knew how to absorb negativity and help them out. At times I would just cry alone and try to understand why I felt that way. I have a beautiful family and many wonderful friends but few are the ones I can actually open up to. Hawra has always been there for her family; she’s always been there for her friends. She tries to solve issues and knows how to handle problems. That’s what everyone thinks and what a lot of people actually verbalise sometimes.

What are my fears? I fear losing a loved one. I’ve lost my mother and I can’t afford losing anyone else. I would rather die than lose someone I care deeply about. What else am I afraid of? I’m scared of being alone and that I guess is related to my first fear. I enjoy having family and friends around me. I enjoy caring for people and having them care about me. I guess I could reflect on that by my stay here at Jaber. I’ve not been able to physically see or touch my father and brothers. I see them through FaceTime, but that’s not enough. My father and brothers started coming around to Jaber Hospital and go around the roundabout and wave. I see them but they can’t see me. That’s become sort of a daily tradition that amuses me and makes them feel a bit closer. My house is literally 5 minutes away by foot from where I am sitting right now at this minute. What other fears do I have? Illness. In my daily job, I’ve seen how illness changes people. How they lose many things gradually, some lose their movement, functionality and power of speech, they may also lose their minds due to dementia; some even lose their dignity. I fear illness for my family first and then for myself. I fear being helpless. I never want to be in a position where I cannot help myself or cannot do things for myself.

I don’t want to make this post too heavy. Let me tell you what are some of the thoughts that came to my mind when I realised I was positive. Was it my fault? Was it the patient’s fault? If I knew she were positive, would I have examined her anyways? Would I change the way I examine patients or care for them depending on whether they were corona positive or corona negative? I know that I was wearing everything that was provided to me for examining patients on the ward. But things happen. Even if you were wearing your full suit, your N95, you goggles or face shield, you might still get it. It’s a minute virus that cannot be seen. You might take all your precautions and still might get it.

We need to have faith. At the end of the day, that’s our most powerful weapon. We need to have faith in order to go about everyday, examine our patients and assess them; faith that they will improve, faith that if we ever contract anything from our patient that we will get through. Faith that we will get through anything that life throws our way. Faith that we can help medical students and residents to teach them what we went through, faith that they can keep on going and fighting this. I have faith in myself, in my family and friends. I have faith that together as a community we will be able to get through this. I have faith in my country and in everyone’s efforts. I have faith that by working together, this time shall pass and we will be stronger, healthier and better adjusted.

I’ll leave you with this beautiful poem.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning